The Historical History of History
by null on Oct-15-2004
“One of Jesus’s final miracles was curing the leopards.”

After watching the History Channel for the last 40 straight hours I was shocked and dismayed by all of the inaccuracies they portrayed on their programming. If there’s one thing I know, and know well it’s history, since I’ve made so much it myself. When I ditched that Cadillac full of dead hookers into the Grand Canyon it was probably the single most defining moment in all of history. But since all of you ignorant louts have been corrupted by “school” and these new fangled “news papers” I’m going to have to start from the beginning.

There might be some “quack” professors out there that will disagree with me on some of the historical facts I’m going to be chucking at you, but I believe you deserve to know the truth. And anyone that disagrees with me should be stuffed full of flaming carpet samples and hurled into a crevice.

Despite what your educators have told you, history began when Jesus first came squirting into the world. Before that people just sat around, lived in burrows, threw sticks at each other and got eaten by dinosaurs. Jesus changed all of that; first he killed all of the dinosaurs by writing the bible. He simply didn’t like the dinosaur’s attitude. The bible was a very important accomplishment for Jesus. When he wrote it he was in a Vietnamese POW camp and had to ink the first copy on Banana leaves using his own blood. Even through the adversity of being imprisoned in a bamboo tiger cage Jesus was able to finish his book, which he wrote in his native language Traditional Chinese.

The Bible was used for a lot more than just its dinosaur slaying properties. It contained the blueprints that would later allow the Canadians to build the Pyramids in Egypt and also contained many words that are used today in many prime time sitcoms such as “too” and “how”. But as incredible as it may seem that dirty smelly hippy did even more incredible things.

After Jesus grew sick of eating rice and spider eggs everyday in the POW camp he managed to somehow escape, possibly by using magic. Jesus then began to travel the world. Along the way he attracted groupies that would follow him around. Back then groupies were called disciples. Of these disciples he chose twelve to become his roadies. Back in the 1200’s roadies were called apothecaries or something of that nature.

Now that Jesus had his following of minions they started on their world tour. They didn’t have cars trains or tricycles back in the 1570’s so they had to walk everywhere they wanted to go. They visited numerous exotic locations and islands where Jesus would perform miracles or just carve his initials into indigenous trees or people. To fund their journeys they would sell various trinkets and gypsy charms they made along the way such as bead necklaces and Girls Gone Wild videos.

As Jesus and his band of merry men traveled across the country side he began to attract more and more followers by pulling miracles out of his hat, sleeve or pants. Once, while he was in Bolivia he came across an old woman that may or may not have been blind. With a wave of his hand and the chanting of the words, “GET YOUR VISION ON!” Jesus miraculously restored the woman’s sight just like the son of god might have done.

Another miraculous miracle type thing Jesus did in some place of no real importance was walking across water. There is a lot of speculation about this particular miracle. Some say that Jesus actually walked across a creek and nearly drown and then was saved and nursed back to health by wood elves. Those kind of people are jackasses and should be castrated and hung in a systematic fashion and then shot in an entirely unsystematic fashion. He was nursed back to health by pixies, and that’s the bottom line truth.

Once Jesus and his posse were travailing across the Oregon Trail when they found themselves in a predicament; they were running dangerously low on food. With only 12 loaves of bread to spread among hundreds of his cult followers he weaved his mystic powers once again and divided the bread among them equally. They also ate all the children under the age of seven, but no one complained that they were still hungry. It may have also had something to do with Jesus walking around and saying, “EAT THIS AND BE HAPPY WITH IT OR I WILL STAB YOU IN THE GOD DAMN FACE”. Then he began slapping people around a bit for no real reason.

One of Jesus’s final miracles was curing the leopards. Leopards had been carries of the Bubonic Plague for a great number of years prior to the 1492’s. Even though his quest typically resulted in frequent maulings that left him permanently scared and the chest, back, arms, legs and face Jesus was not deterred. He eventually managed to vaccinate each and every leopard at the Bangkok zoo.

Not everyone loved Jesus though, the Mongolians, who ruled much of Europe in 834 AD saw Jesus as a threat to their paganistic Hindu ways. They captured Jesus with the help of one of Jesus right hand cronies and made him walk the obscenely long distance from the Middle East to another area in the Middle East all the while carrying a big wooden X. Hanging people on X’s was the preferred method of execution at that time because Confucius hadn’t invented the electric chair yet. They nailed Jesus to the X using nails and then stabbed him with a stick that was shaped like a spear.

Jesus eventually died on the X and the Mongolians buried him deep within the Great Pyramid and blocked the entrance with a large boulder and then sealed it with silicone caulk. Something as trivial as death didn’t stop Jesus though. He was one rough tough SOB. He picked that boulder right up and hurled it right into space, thus creating the moon.

And that is why Jesus is the President.

You can read more of null’s incoherant ramblings here.


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