Open Letter to Michael Moore
by WHO on Oct-15-2004
“And if you don’t believe me, just take a look at your fat, bloated, pasty white body and tell me that it wouldn’t take FORVER to stab YOU to death.”

Dear Michael Moore:

You have no idea how many times I’ve considered voting to re-elect President Bush for no other reason but to cancel out your vote. It’s a daily struggle to talk myself out of it and it is for that reason that I’m writing to you now. I have a severe problem with the bullshit you’ve been spouting and I’m hoping that upon reading this, you will shut your fat trap (Yeah, I called you fat. Want to make something of it, you pudgy fuck?) before you convince millions of people to vote Bush back into office JUST TO SPITE YOU.

First of all, your statements that getting rid of guns will get rid of most crimes are ridiculous. We might cut down on murders committed with guns, but let’s face it, if someone is intent on killing you, they are going to find a way to do it with or without a gun. Personally, if I was able to choose which weapon I was murdered with, I’d go with a gun every time. Specifically, a gunshot wound to the back of the head. To me, that sounds like the quickest and most painless way to go. Now of course I’d rather NOT die than die, obviously, but all I’m saying is that if someone’s going to end my life, I’m hoping for the entire process to be short enough so that I’m dead before my brains hit the sidewalk.

Consider, for a short second, all the other weapons criminals use to commit murders. Like knives….picture the horror you’d feel as one of those babies enters and exists your body a few times before you bleed to death. Would you prefer that over a gun? I wouldn’t! How about being beaten to death with a blunt object? Even though being the fat kid as a child must have earned you a lot of beatings, I’m sure that the last beating of your life would seem like it lasted forever. Sorry, for me, the quicker the better. Would you prefer to be choked or held under water….that way your last few minutes on this planet are spent panicking and fruitlessly struggling? Personally, I’ll pass on those two. Once, I heard about a story where a man waited for his girlfriend to go to sleep and then he forced his pit-bull to maul her to death. Does that sound better to you than a bullet? What about being set on fire? Burned alive? Sweet Jesus, no, no, no!

Face it, a gun is the best way to be murdered. And if you don’t believe me, just take a look at your fat, bloated, pasty white body and tell me that it wouldn’t take FORVER to stab YOU to death. Just tell me that you wouldn’t prefer a guy to shoot you in the back of the head rather than making stabbing motions for miles over your blubber-covered body.

OK, now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, I think it’s time to move on to issue two. You know, Michael Moore, I have a real fucking problem with the way you keep shrillingly and self righteously demanding to know if people would be willing to “sacrifice their children for this war!” Quit referring to people’s children as goats that they are able to offer up on some slab of stone in ’sacrifice’ of some holy crusade. That is quite possibly the most ignorant thing I’ve ever heard anyone say or ask, ever. For one thing, there is not a cause in the world that is ‘good enough’ in the eyes of ANY rational parent that they would actively sacrifice their children for. And that includes freedom of speech, freedom of religion, civil rights and the freedom to make shitty movies full of lies. No one wants their kids to die regardless of the purity of the reason. Period.

And not only is it utterly ridiculous for you to suggest such a thing, but it is also impossible. We are not sending 10-year-old boys off to war. We are sending people over the age of 18, legal adults who chose to join the Army, Marines, Navy, etc of their own volition! Correct me if I’m wrong, but even if your parents wanted to, it is fucking IMPOSSIBLE to sign SOMEONE ELSE up for the Army! Yes, it’s possible to be drafted, if needed, but so far, that hasn’t happened. Do you know what that means, Michael Moore? A parent can’t force you to sign up for the army! A parent can’t volunteer their children for the war! A parent can’t sacrifice their children even if they wanted to! So quit asking them to you, you stupid prick!

The only question you can realistically ask is ‘would you be willing to sacrifice yourself in a war?’ And my answer to that is: absolutely! There are plenty of causes out there that I’d be willing to offer my dead body up to as a sacrifice. For example, I’d be willing to die to protect your right to free speech even though all you do is piss it away by using it to lie and spread false propaganda! How does that grab your ass, you fat schmuck?

Also consider this fact: the men and women who joined everything from the Air Force to the National Guard knew that that particular job came with risk. Everyone who joins knows that it is 100% possible that they might be sent off to war to die for a cause that they don’t necessarily agree with ,by a President that they don’t necessarily like. That is the risk that comes with the job. Whether they did it out of love of their country or for free college is a moot point. Common sense and high school history classes alike preach that with the job comes risk. And not only that, but LOTS of jobs come with risk. Do you think every police officer in the world who was shot by a crack head in an alley died with just cause? What does the Force tell the parents in that situation? What about the firefighters who were crushed under the WTC center by delusional terrorists? Do you think their families shrugged their shoulders and thought to themselves, “Well, at least Ed died for a just cause.”

Now I know you think most Americans are stupid, but regardless of your beliefs, we have a right to make our own fucking decisions about our lives and that includes picking out an occupation for ourselves that comes with the risk of death.

And speaking of America being oh so stupid, in your opinion, I want to tell you that I won’t be offended in the least if you packed your bags and headed the fuck on out the door. In fact, should you decide that Canada or whichever other country you’ve fallen in love with this week is the right place for you, I will make it my personal mission to not only pitch in financially for your plane ticket, but to raise the money for you. Just say the word, Michael Moore and I will get cracking collecting donations for you. Hell, I’ll even raise enough money for TWO airplane seats so your fat ass isn’t too cramped on your flight out.

Please leave, I implore you. You are an asshole and an embarrassment to our nation.



Browse the archives - You still have plenty to read. Get cracking.

Join the Forum - Club Hell is the #1 rated (by drunk Club Hell members) place on the entire Internet for discussing serious, funny, or just about any other topic you can think of. It's safe for work, unless you work somewhere where "fuck" can get you fired.